This week’s movie pic

Hello Everyone,

This week’s movie pic is August Rush.

I hope you are all having a good summer! I will posting a serious of articles on topics requested by some of our families.If you would like more information on a topic be sure and let me know.

Kind regards,

Holly

Should I Change My Child's Name?

Whether to rename my adopted child, that is the question ...

Should I Change My Child's Name? Leceta Chisholm Guibault 2002 The book Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall covers naming and re-naming adopted children on pages 192-94 and 210-212. The authors state that because children as young as 4-1/2 months recognize their names (research from the State University of New York at Buffalo) the child is better served when adoptive parents continue to call her by her original first name. They say, "Asking a child whose world is changing to also change her name may be experienced as being asked to be someone other than herself." The authors write that most adoptive parents change their child's name for reasons that made absolute sense to them (name hard to pronounce, didn't like the name, broke family traditions, didn't fit their cultural norms ... or "just because"). They ask adoptive parents to think of the naming issue from the child's point of view. My thoughts: All of my strongest views on adoption and its issues have come with time and experience. Almost 11 years ago when I was waiting for my first child, all I could think of was "what will we name her/him?". At that time we didn't have the Internet, a support group, a variety of adoption-related books or an informed social worker. We did choose a first and middle name for our daughter. Then ... I learned of her birth name. Back then we decided to give our daughter the name we had chosen and keep her birth name as middle names. Am I ever glad we did! Trust me ... there would be hell to pay from this truly insightful 11-year-old. At age 5 Kahleah told me she was so happy to have the names that both of her mothers gave her. Our babies do grow up and may have some interesting opinions on this topic. When I listen to adult adoptees speak, there is generally a grief over the loss of a birth name and a part of their overall identity. That's it! I think it comes down to a question of "identity"! In hindsight ... or if we were to adopt again, would I change my child's name? I don't think so. Did Kahleah and Tristan become more "my own" because I named them? No. Maybe it felt like it in the beginning because of my inner fight with "entitlement"? Naming or re-naming our children is very personal. What I hope to convey is that although my ideas and feelings may have been one thing way back when ... they have evolved. What once felt like my "right" as a parent to name my child whatever I wanted to (and YES ... I felt strongly that it was my right!) when they were first referred to me has ... .mellowed. Now ... I am learning, listening and thinking "what is really the best for my child" (and ... it just may be to change the name!). As our kids mature a true sense of identity is very important. It's not an easy job for adoptive parents to give their child a true sense of identity ... ALL of their identity, not just their identity by adoption. Maybe their name is the starting point? I have heard lots of stories from adoptive parent friends about their child going through a phase of wanted to be called by their birth name (if it had been changed). Quite normal! Kahleah does the same thing from time to time. I think the point is, if we do change their name we should try to incorporate their birth name (or part of it) so that they feel the empowerment to choose if the feeling hits. I am trying to imagine what it would be like to know you were born in a far-off land, born to another family, a different language, culture ... and then BOOM ... it all changed. Even if my children were adopted as infants, Kahleah can now intellectually discuss feeling like two different people. Our kids are growing up and their personalities are developing. It's funny how something as "simple" as a name can become so important. I have a friend who adopted from China. She gave her daughter a very French name. A few years later, after corresponding with an adult Asian adoptee, my friend had her daughter's name legally changed to include her very beautiful Chinese name as her middle name. My friend told me that she felt that the only thing her daughter came with from China was her name. She knew that the birth date and place of birth were false. No bio family history, so the name took on extra importance ... even if she had been named by an orphanage worker. Out of curiosity, I asked Kahleah her views on the topic. She has always told me that she was happy to have both her birth name and our given name. Tonight I asked her how she would feel if we had not kept her birth name. She said, "My name is a part of me. To take it away is to take a part of ME away. It's like ... I would not be totally 'me'." I asked her how she would feel to learn that her birthmother did not name her. I suggested that some children are named by a lawyer, foster parent or orphanage director. Kahleah said, "It would not matter ... it would still be my first name ... a part of who I am." I have Kahleah's permission to share her thoughts. She took her time answering knowing I was going to share her thoughts with other adoptive parents. To tell the truth ... I was a little surprised by her reaction to the second question. I thought she might hesitate at the thought of someone not as close as her birthmother naming her. What's in a name? ... identity ... who am I? "Leceta" ... given to me by my mother, unique, hard to spell, hard to pronounce, not exactly a "Canadian" name ... but I wouldn't change it for the world. It is who I am. __________________________________________________ Leceta Chisholm Guibault is mother to Kahleah (11, Guatemala) and Tristan (7, Colombia). She is a board member of the Adoption Council of Canada and the Federation of Quebec Adoptive Parents, and moderator of the email list Canadians-Adopting (groups.yahoo.com/group/canadians-adopting). __________________________________________________ Copyright 2004 Leceta Chisholm Guibault, leceta@citenet.net REFERENCE Steinberg, Gail and Beth Hall. Inside Transracial Adoption: Strength-based, Culture-sensitizing Parenting Strategies for Intercountry or Domestic Families That Don't Match. Indianapolis, IN: Perspectives Press, 2000. www.perspectivespress.com/insidetransracial.html. Raising a child of different ethnicity.

www.familyhelper.net

Welcome to CHOICES Blog

Happy summer to all our families. It was so wonderful to see many of you out at our family fun days!! A great big thank you to Thrifty Foods for supporting our events on the island and the lower mainland!! Also a special thank you to Catrina Ormiston from Thrifty Foods whose dedication to CHOICES families is so appreciated!! The kids love Catrina (and so does CHOICES) and look forward to seeing her every year!

The new Blog will include articles and information about adoption. I will be posting a good movie or book suggestion each week.

Movie pick of the week is Martian Child with John Cusack

If you are a waiting parent and would like to meet other adoptive families let me know at the office as I am happy to get you connected. 1 888 479 9811



Starting September look for our monthly newsletter from, Rachel Warren, our Executive Director

Fall Events

Good Life Fitness (Formerly the Royal Victoria Marathon) 10/10/10

Come cheer us on at this year’s marathon. You can also run, walk or sponsor Oscar, our CHOICES Champion eight year old runner this year.

View our website for more details www.choicesadoption.ca or call the office at 1 888 479 9811

CHOICES Charity Art Auction and Dance

CHOICES Charity Art Auction and Dance November 13, 2010 6:30pm at the Union Club
805 Gordon Street, Victoria BC

More details about tickets for the art auction and art donations are coming soon.

If you are interested in finding out about more specific adoption topics please let me know. You can comment on the blog or you can email me.

Warm Regards,

Holly Allen

holly@choicesadoption.ca

The Best Way To Manage Waiting For Your Adopted Child

By Holly Allen

The title of this article is comical as there is no best way to manage the wait for your adopted child. One thing is for sure there are lots of things you can do to help prepare your child and yourself for your adoption journey. Adoption is the most important thing that will ever happen in your life. It is the moment a child becomes part of your family, morally, legally and unconditionally forever. An adopted child will have experienced some kind of trauma and you need to be ready when they arrive. Newborns and older children will have trauma simply by the fact that they are not living with their birth family; and some children may have experienced poverty, abuse or neglect. Children who are adopted locally and internationally have come to their new family with a story. Their story.

We can help our children to transition into their adoptive family by doing a few key things:

• The most important part of adoption transition is giving your child time to grieve. We are often so excited to see our child (as most of us have been waiting for a long time) that we forget that our child is traumatized. Children need to be able to cry and we need to give them the space to do that.
  
• We expect our children not to be afraid and not to worry but they do. They are missing their loved ones and all the things that were familiar to them. Take lots of pictures of birth family, orphanage caregivers, foster family, extended family or anything that will give your child comfort. It is always recommended that you bring a piece of clothing, blanket or sheet home with your child from their birth family, orphanage, foster family or hospital.
  
• We can respect and honour our child’s birth family whether we have information about them or not. If your child’s family has passed away you can connect your child to their birth family through food, customs and language. Sometimes you may know the village, the orphanage, or the foster family where your child lived enabling you to gather information about times in your child’s life. You may adopt a child locally and find out their birth family was Scottish and loved to travel. This is sacred information and part of your child’s history. Any information about your child will assist you in the transition of bringing your adopted child home. Find out their routine and their favourite things to help them adapt to their new environment. Learn how to bond and play with your child so that they can become attached to you and begin to heal and grow.

A child is joining your family, so like all parents you start fixing your baby room, you buy a crib and learn about diapers and baby bottles. If you are adopting an older child, like I am, than you get their room ready or buy bunk beds and think about what toys they might like. If you do not know how old your child will be you may not be getting anything ready as you don’t know whether to buy a crib or a bed. Regardless, you are thinking about what your child may need. You may be asking yourself what does any of this stuff have to do with managing the wait, as my child is not here yet? All of the above is part of the wait. More than getting your child’s room ready you need to be educated about adoption. Attend seminars, read books, watch videos and read articles on-line about adoption. Subscribe to NACAC and learn about global perspectives on adoption. Contact your local hospital and child development centres so that you are prepared for your child’s arrival. Attend local waiting parent’s groups with other adoptive families or start your own. Be proactive and ask your adoption agency for resources in your area. Start a life book for your child. Take pictures of where your child will sit at the table and what park they will play at when you take them there. Also remember that you need to take care of you, so exercise, join a book club, play tennis or engage in activities that make you happy. Adoption can take days or years and waiting is hard. Having a sense of humour can help you before and after your child arrives. Talk to your friends and family and build a support network that you can rely on long after your child is home. After all adopting a child is just the beginning; you have a whole life to live with your child.

Top 10 Reasons To Keep Your Adopted Child Connected To Their Culture

By Holly Allen

• It is important that your child joins your family with a good sense of self.
  
• Honouring your adopted child’s culture will help your child grow into a happy adult.
  
• Research has shown that children are more successful integrating into an adoptive family if their adoptive family is open and honest about their child’s birth family; each birth family is unique and has their own cultural norms and beliefs.
  
• In school children are taught genealogy; it is important that they know their birth family and their adoptive family’s history.
  
• Celebrating your child’s culture with them is sending the message to your child that it is alright to embrace all their family.
  
• Sometimes children will not know who their birth family is and it is our job as adoptive parents to connect our children to their culture through food, customs and language.
  
• Children need to believe in themselves and it helps if they know that you accept their whole self, the birth child and the adopted child.
  
• Culture is a part of every family locally or internationally and helps shape who we are as people.
  
• You can always add more love and more culture to a child but it is so important to make a space for the history and traditions your child was born with so that they can tell their own story.
  
• Culture in adoption is a triangle of love that connects the adoptive family, the birth family and the child.

Book List

Loving and living with traumatized children; Reflections by adoptive parents 
by Megan Hirst

Transracial Adoption and Foster Care

Joseph Crumbley

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow
by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky

The Best Single Mom in the World: How I Was Adopted
Zisk. Albert Whitman

Toddler Adoption
by Mary Hopkins Best

Adopting After Infertility
Johnston, Patricia Irwin

Seeds of Love: For Brothers and Sisters of International Adoption

Petertyl, Mary and Chambers, Jill

Brothers and Sisters In Adoption

by Arletta James

The Family Book: A Book About Adoption and Families
Parr, Todd

Adopted Teens Only

Danea Gorbett

Post-Adoption Blues: Overcoming the Unforseen Challenges of Adoption
Foli, Karen and Thompson, John

Beyond Good Intentions

Cheri Register

Open Adoption Experience

Sharon Kaplan Roszia

Twenty Things Adopted Kids Wish Their Adoptive Parents Knew

Sherrie Eldridge

The Lesbian Parenting Book: A Guide to Creating Families and Raising Children
Clunis, Merilee and Green, Dorsey

Raising Adopted Children

Lois Ruskai Melina

Attaching in Adoption: Practical Tools for Today’s Parents

Deborah Gray

Adoption and the Schools

by Lansing Wood & Nancy Ng

Being Adopted:The Lifelong Search For Self

Mary Watkins

The Family of Adoption

Joyce Maguire Pavao

The Primal Wound: understanding the Adopted Child

Nancy Verrier

Child's Journey Through Placement, A
by Vera Fahlberg

Lesbian and Gay Fostering and Adoption: Extraordinary yet Ordinary
Hicks, Stephen and McDermott, Janet

Dear Birthmother, Thank You for Our Baby
by Kathleen Silber

Ghost At Heart's Edge: Stories & Poems of Adoption
Ed. by Susan Ito and Tina Cervin

Healing Parents: Helping Wounded Children Learn to Trust & Love
by Michael Orlans, Terry M. Levy

How To Open An Adoption
by Patricia Martinez Dorner

How My Family Came to Be: Daddy, Papa and Me
Aldrich, Andrew

Learning the Dance of Attachment
by Holly van Gulden & Charlotte Vick

Making Sense of Adoption
by Lois Melina

Nurturing Attachments

Deborah D. Gray

Parenting Adopted Adolescents: Understanding & Appreciating Their Journeys
By Gregory Keck, Edited by Lynda Mansfield

Parenting the Hurt Child: Helping Adoptive Families Heal and Grow
by Gregory Keck and Regina Kupecky

Talking With Young Children About Adoption
by Mary Watkins & Susan Fischer

The Adoption Decision: 15 Things You Want to Know Before Adopting
Christianson, Laura

Cross Cultural Adoption: How to Answer Questions from Family, Friends & Community
Abramowitz, Caryn and Coughlin

Books For Extended Family

Adoption is a Family Affair
by Patricia Johnston

Labours of Love: Canadians Talk About Adoption
Brennan, Deborah

Adopting: Sound Choices, Strong Families
Johnston, Patricia Irwin

Truly Yours: Thoughts on the Miracle of Adoption
Dail, Laura