There are some great tips on the Family Helper Website
http://www.familyhelper.net/arc/old.html
Tips on adopting an older child
1. When meeting your new daughter or son for the first time, remember that your joy at being parents may be at odds with the anger/fear your child is feeling. You are a stranger to her, and she may not experience the "love at first sight" you are feeling. Respect the her comfort level and give her whatever distance is required.
2. It is nice to bring a special memento to give the child to mark the occasion, for example, a locket or book. Put together a small album of pictures of you and your home. The child can look at the pictures between visits, which can help ease the transition.
3. Find out what the child has and what she needs. The foster parents are a wealth of information. Write a list of what needs to be done (i.e. paint room, buy toys and clothes). Older children need to feel that there is a space ready for them when they move in ... you'll need help to get it all done.
4. There may be a "honeymoon" period when all of you "play" at being a happy family. Issues will emerge later, but this is a positive move towards acceptance.
5. When your child moves in, be aware of her limits in terms of meeting a lot of family and friends at one time.
6. Understand the stages of grief that Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified as the emotional responses to death. These stages are also appropriate for other grieving processes: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most people do not go through them in a linear fashion, but jump back and forth between stages.
7. By acknowledging and helping your child through the different stages, acceptance will eventually be reached. She is grieving a significant loss and will likely have feelings of rejection which will continue to surface. An older child may have had painful and numerous goodbyes. It will take a long time before she trusts again. It can be difficult to hear a child grieving for birth or foster parents. Children need to know you are accessible and willing to listen. Sharing and accepting your child's past can be an important part of the bonding process.
-- Sheila and Pierre, adoptive parents (www.adoption.on.ca/tipsolder.html)
