Check out one of my favourite youtube videos!
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oIBZ-kJ6XAc
Holly Allen
Public and International Relations
Social Worker, BA, BSW, RSW
CHOICES Adoption & Counselling Services
www.choicesadoption.ca
250.479.9811
toll free 1.888.479.9811
fax 250.479.9850
Friday, December 17, 2010
Movie Pic of the Month
A great Christmas story that is very silly but does celebrate adoption is Elf! This is the movie pic of the month! Some children and adults have been known to watch it over and over again!
All of us at CHOICES want to wish you Happy Holidays and wonderful New Year!
CHOICES Adoption will be closed from noon on December 24 until January 4th!!
Our after hours line for birth parents and emergencies will be on
1-866-533-9811
All of us at CHOICES want to wish you Happy Holidays and wonderful New Year!
CHOICES Adoption will be closed from noon on December 24 until January 4th!!
Our after hours line for birth parents and emergencies will be on
1-866-533-9811
Transracial Adoption
Transracial Adoption
Love Is Just the Beginning
From the Summer 2007 Adoptalk
by Deb Reisner, NACAC Staff
When my husband and I adopted our first child 18 years ago, agency staff told us, “Take him home and love him. Everything will be fine.” Now we have five children and our family is a beautiful blend of African American, Native American, Latino, and European American races and cultures. Loving our children has been easy. As transracial adoptive parents, however, it has been much more difficult to develop strategies for dealing with individual and institutional racism. In our experience, the best lessons we can offer are those that teach our children to externalize racism and assure them we will always be there for them.
Externalizing Racism
Because my husband and I do not share our children’s racial or cultural backgrounds, we must work extra hard to help them develop skills and strategies to deal with the everyday reality of racism. To live authentically in our racist society, each of our children must learn to externalize racism: to understand that racism is NOT about him or her, but a reflection of other people’s ignorance. Externalizing racism is not about dismissing racism or pretending it does not exist.
The alternative—internalizing racism—will lead children to believe the destructive messages of racism are true and directed specifically at them. When children externalize racism they can develop a strong racial identity, self-esteem, and attachments. When children internalize racism, their racial identity suffers, their self-esteem ends up in shambles, and their attachments are in peril.
Through the years, with help from many experts (especially adult transracial adoptees), we have identified a number of strategies for teaching our children to externalize racism. Four of those strategies are explained below.
Cultural Membership
One of the most important ways our children learn to externalize racism is through cultural membership. From adult transracial adoptees I’ve learned that a central theme in their lives is the need to establish meaningful relationships with adults and youth who look like them and share their culture. Through these relationships, our children learn the subtle and not so subtle norms of their cultural community—how to dress, to talk, to be.
We parents must help our children engage with their cultural community in meaningful ways. By choosing where we live, where we worship, what schools our children attend, and the YMCA to which we belong, we can facilitate cultural membership. For us, these institutions have provided cultural membership, mentoring, friends, and community. Just as I need to find a tutor to teach my children physics, I need to find a tutor to teach my children how to be African American, Latino, or Native American in our society.
When our children become members of their cultural community they learn to refute stereotypes, develop survival skills, and make positive connections with a broader range of people. Cultural membership offers a solid foundation for externalizing racism.
Family Language about Racism
Within the family, we help teach our children to externalize racism through a shared language about racism. For instance, when we are out in public and someone says to my husband, “You are a saint to adopt these kids,” he replies, “No, you don’t understand. I am the lucky one to be their dad.”
“You don’t understand” is our family language to redirect the ignorance behind the comment back to the stranger. The stranger’s ignorance is the issue, not the fact that the members of our family don’t all look alike, or the myth that only a saint would adopt our children.
Inevitably, strangers will ask intrusive or inappropriate questions such as “Where did she come from?” or “How much did they cost?” or “Do you provide day care?” My typical response is, “Why would you ask?” Again, my response turns the question around, and puts responsibility back where it belongs: on the stranger.
As my children have gotten older, I hear them use this same strategy to address questions such as, “Why are your mom and dad white?” and “Why did your real mom give you away?” Their response is “Why would you ask?” Indeed, why would you ask?
Honoring Feelings about Racism
Recently I was in a grocery store with my 3-year old when I felt my neck tighten—my body’s usual response to the discomfort of racism. As I quickly put the items we needed in our basket, it became obvious a woman was following us. She got closer and closer to us with each turn down the aisles until she finally approached us at the check out. She abruptly asked, “Is that your son?”
“Why would you ask?” I replied. Then I scooped up my son and left the store. As we walked to the car, I held him close. He clung to my neck and said, “Mommy, I not like that lady.”
“Honey, where does your body not like that lady?” I asked him. He answered, “In my tummy.” We went on to talk, in developmentally appropriate language, about his body’s response to racism.
It is extremely important to honor our children’s feelings about racism so we can help them to externalize it. For example, if my child says a person does not like him because he is Native American, that is his reality. I don’t question or try to talk him out of his feelings.
Instead we talk about externalizing the experience, discuss options for handling the situation, and decide whether he needs my help in other ways. Teaching our children to honor their feelings about racism is teaching our children to be safe. They will often “feel” racism before they are cognitively aware they are vulnerable. By tuning in to their intuitive signals, our children can avoid or better prepare themselves for racially charged situations.
Modeling Safe Responses to Racism
Parents are role models for their children. When we encounter racist behavior or institutional racism, our children are watching, listening to, and internalizing our responses for future reference. Our response is not about the other person or institution; it is about our relationship with our child. Every time we respond, act, react, or ignore behavior, we are building or tearing apart the relationship (and attachment) with our child.
A few months ago, I took my sons to the zoo. While we were waiting for the dolphin show to begin, the woman behind us began harassing my two multi-racial teenage sons. At first I sat quietly, allowing my sons to handle the situation. When the woman in front of us turned around and said to the woman behind us, “Shut your racist mouth!” it became obvious it was time for me to get involved.
I told the woman behind us, “That’s enough. Leave my sons alone.” She then began to berate me. The woman’s tone, the look on her face, and the two young children with her convinced me we needed to disengage.
I turned my back to her and began talking to my sons loudly enough for her to hear. “Just ignore her,” I instructed them. “She is ignorant. She doesn’t understand. This isn’t about us; it’s about her ignorance.”
After the show ended, my sons and I still refused to engage with the woman. She finally gave up and left. We then left, and spent several days processing what had happened and what could have happened if we had responded differently.
As a woman with white privilege, my range of responses to racism is different than the range of safe responses available to my children of color. In all situations, I must remember my children are watching and learning from me. While I was sorely tempted to respond to the woman at the zoo in a way that would ensure she would not soon forget us, that response would not work if my sons used it in the future. I must respond in ways my children can use, not in ways my white privilege allows me to get away with.
Keeping Life Real
Confronting racism is painful, and while it may be tempting to try to make things easier, it is essential we strive to make things real. An adult transracial adoptee told me her mother tried to make things “easy” by downplaying racism. When the adoptee’s white mother took her to an all-white church, she would express her discomfort at the stares and whispers. Her mother would then say, “Those people are staring and whispering to each other because you are so beautiful.”
Because it did not acknowledge her reality, this seemingly nice but dismissive response left my friend feeling very alone. Even as a young child she knew the attention she received from the church-goers was about race and culture.
Though they may not mean to, extended family members may ignore the reality of racism for their nieces, nephews, or grandchildren. These relatives often love and accept the transracially adopted child into their family, yet harbor prejudices about the child’s race and culture. As illustrated by the church story, transracially adopted children will long remember the pain of having relatives deny what the child knows is real.
When it comes to racism in our extended family, we must have a “zero tolerance policy.” If our child tells us someone we love and have known all our life has done or said something hurtful, we must not minimize it. If we say, “Auntie Marie didn’t really mean that,” or “Honey, you are just too sensitive,” we are aligning ourselves with the person who hurt our child. Instead, our child needs us to make it clear we are on his or her side.
Being There for Our Children
For our children to feel secure in our families, we must be clear and consistent in the way we support and back up our children. Our children need to know whose side we are on—even when it is downright agonizing. If we are teaching our children to externalize racism by working to make things real, helping our children to become members of their cultural communities, and teaching our children to honor their feelings about racism, our children will know we stand with them.
My husband and I have also worked hard to make our family a safe place to talk. When our children are dealing with peer relationships, making decisions about priorities, or are feeling burdened, we want them to come to us. Talking allows us to infuse our values and perspectives into our children’s decision making.
When our daughter was in preschool she came home one day and announced, “Mommy, I have a new friend!” I replied, “Wonderful! How do you know she’s your friend?” My daughter innocently said, “She told me I am her favorite vigger!”
I had to process this for a few hours before I was ready to discuss it with my daughter. Our daughter did end up being good friends with this young classmate, and over time we had many more talks about things our daughter heard from her friend—things learned in a family with a very different world view than ours.
For our children to feel safe and “at home,” they must feel sure we are trying to understand their experience in the world as a persons of color. Open conversations about difficult subjects like racism, sexism, current events, and family dynamics are great ways to lay the foundation for ongoing attachment and relationship.
To build our children’s trust in us, we must also keep working to understand our own white privilege, stereotypes, and racism. We must explore our country’s history from the perspective of our child’s cultural community and commit to fighting racism even when we pay a personal price. We need to be there with our children when they are mistreated, denied access, or struggling to comprehend the cruel injustice of racism.
Love is just the beginning of the transracial adoption journey. There is no end. My husband, our children, and I continue to learn and grow together. We are a family.
Love Is Just the Beginning
From the Summer 2007 Adoptalk
by Deb Reisner, NACAC Staff
When my husband and I adopted our first child 18 years ago, agency staff told us, “Take him home and love him. Everything will be fine.” Now we have five children and our family is a beautiful blend of African American, Native American, Latino, and European American races and cultures. Loving our children has been easy. As transracial adoptive parents, however, it has been much more difficult to develop strategies for dealing with individual and institutional racism. In our experience, the best lessons we can offer are those that teach our children to externalize racism and assure them we will always be there for them.
Externalizing Racism
Because my husband and I do not share our children’s racial or cultural backgrounds, we must work extra hard to help them develop skills and strategies to deal with the everyday reality of racism. To live authentically in our racist society, each of our children must learn to externalize racism: to understand that racism is NOT about him or her, but a reflection of other people’s ignorance. Externalizing racism is not about dismissing racism or pretending it does not exist.
The alternative—internalizing racism—will lead children to believe the destructive messages of racism are true and directed specifically at them. When children externalize racism they can develop a strong racial identity, self-esteem, and attachments. When children internalize racism, their racial identity suffers, their self-esteem ends up in shambles, and their attachments are in peril.
Through the years, with help from many experts (especially adult transracial adoptees), we have identified a number of strategies for teaching our children to externalize racism. Four of those strategies are explained below.
Cultural Membership
One of the most important ways our children learn to externalize racism is through cultural membership. From adult transracial adoptees I’ve learned that a central theme in their lives is the need to establish meaningful relationships with adults and youth who look like them and share their culture. Through these relationships, our children learn the subtle and not so subtle norms of their cultural community—how to dress, to talk, to be.
We parents must help our children engage with their cultural community in meaningful ways. By choosing where we live, where we worship, what schools our children attend, and the YMCA to which we belong, we can facilitate cultural membership. For us, these institutions have provided cultural membership, mentoring, friends, and community. Just as I need to find a tutor to teach my children physics, I need to find a tutor to teach my children how to be African American, Latino, or Native American in our society.
When our children become members of their cultural community they learn to refute stereotypes, develop survival skills, and make positive connections with a broader range of people. Cultural membership offers a solid foundation for externalizing racism.
Family Language about Racism
Within the family, we help teach our children to externalize racism through a shared language about racism. For instance, when we are out in public and someone says to my husband, “You are a saint to adopt these kids,” he replies, “No, you don’t understand. I am the lucky one to be their dad.”
“You don’t understand” is our family language to redirect the ignorance behind the comment back to the stranger. The stranger’s ignorance is the issue, not the fact that the members of our family don’t all look alike, or the myth that only a saint would adopt our children.
Inevitably, strangers will ask intrusive or inappropriate questions such as “Where did she come from?” or “How much did they cost?” or “Do you provide day care?” My typical response is, “Why would you ask?” Again, my response turns the question around, and puts responsibility back where it belongs: on the stranger.
As my children have gotten older, I hear them use this same strategy to address questions such as, “Why are your mom and dad white?” and “Why did your real mom give you away?” Their response is “Why would you ask?” Indeed, why would you ask?
Honoring Feelings about Racism
Recently I was in a grocery store with my 3-year old when I felt my neck tighten—my body’s usual response to the discomfort of racism. As I quickly put the items we needed in our basket, it became obvious a woman was following us. She got closer and closer to us with each turn down the aisles until she finally approached us at the check out. She abruptly asked, “Is that your son?”
“Why would you ask?” I replied. Then I scooped up my son and left the store. As we walked to the car, I held him close. He clung to my neck and said, “Mommy, I not like that lady.”
“Honey, where does your body not like that lady?” I asked him. He answered, “In my tummy.” We went on to talk, in developmentally appropriate language, about his body’s response to racism.
It is extremely important to honor our children’s feelings about racism so we can help them to externalize it. For example, if my child says a person does not like him because he is Native American, that is his reality. I don’t question or try to talk him out of his feelings.
Instead we talk about externalizing the experience, discuss options for handling the situation, and decide whether he needs my help in other ways. Teaching our children to honor their feelings about racism is teaching our children to be safe. They will often “feel” racism before they are cognitively aware they are vulnerable. By tuning in to their intuitive signals, our children can avoid or better prepare themselves for racially charged situations.
Modeling Safe Responses to Racism
Parents are role models for their children. When we encounter racist behavior or institutional racism, our children are watching, listening to, and internalizing our responses for future reference. Our response is not about the other person or institution; it is about our relationship with our child. Every time we respond, act, react, or ignore behavior, we are building or tearing apart the relationship (and attachment) with our child.
A few months ago, I took my sons to the zoo. While we were waiting for the dolphin show to begin, the woman behind us began harassing my two multi-racial teenage sons. At first I sat quietly, allowing my sons to handle the situation. When the woman in front of us turned around and said to the woman behind us, “Shut your racist mouth!” it became obvious it was time for me to get involved.
I told the woman behind us, “That’s enough. Leave my sons alone.” She then began to berate me. The woman’s tone, the look on her face, and the two young children with her convinced me we needed to disengage.
I turned my back to her and began talking to my sons loudly enough for her to hear. “Just ignore her,” I instructed them. “She is ignorant. She doesn’t understand. This isn’t about us; it’s about her ignorance.”
After the show ended, my sons and I still refused to engage with the woman. She finally gave up and left. We then left, and spent several days processing what had happened and what could have happened if we had responded differently.
As a woman with white privilege, my range of responses to racism is different than the range of safe responses available to my children of color. In all situations, I must remember my children are watching and learning from me. While I was sorely tempted to respond to the woman at the zoo in a way that would ensure she would not soon forget us, that response would not work if my sons used it in the future. I must respond in ways my children can use, not in ways my white privilege allows me to get away with.
Keeping Life Real
Confronting racism is painful, and while it may be tempting to try to make things easier, it is essential we strive to make things real. An adult transracial adoptee told me her mother tried to make things “easy” by downplaying racism. When the adoptee’s white mother took her to an all-white church, she would express her discomfort at the stares and whispers. Her mother would then say, “Those people are staring and whispering to each other because you are so beautiful.”
Because it did not acknowledge her reality, this seemingly nice but dismissive response left my friend feeling very alone. Even as a young child she knew the attention she received from the church-goers was about race and culture.
Though they may not mean to, extended family members may ignore the reality of racism for their nieces, nephews, or grandchildren. These relatives often love and accept the transracially adopted child into their family, yet harbor prejudices about the child’s race and culture. As illustrated by the church story, transracially adopted children will long remember the pain of having relatives deny what the child knows is real.
When it comes to racism in our extended family, we must have a “zero tolerance policy.” If our child tells us someone we love and have known all our life has done or said something hurtful, we must not minimize it. If we say, “Auntie Marie didn’t really mean that,” or “Honey, you are just too sensitive,” we are aligning ourselves with the person who hurt our child. Instead, our child needs us to make it clear we are on his or her side.
Being There for Our Children
For our children to feel secure in our families, we must be clear and consistent in the way we support and back up our children. Our children need to know whose side we are on—even when it is downright agonizing. If we are teaching our children to externalize racism by working to make things real, helping our children to become members of their cultural communities, and teaching our children to honor their feelings about racism, our children will know we stand with them.
My husband and I have also worked hard to make our family a safe place to talk. When our children are dealing with peer relationships, making decisions about priorities, or are feeling burdened, we want them to come to us. Talking allows us to infuse our values and perspectives into our children’s decision making.
When our daughter was in preschool she came home one day and announced, “Mommy, I have a new friend!” I replied, “Wonderful! How do you know she’s your friend?” My daughter innocently said, “She told me I am her favorite vigger!”
I had to process this for a few hours before I was ready to discuss it with my daughter. Our daughter did end up being good friends with this young classmate, and over time we had many more talks about things our daughter heard from her friend—things learned in a family with a very different world view than ours.
For our children to feel safe and “at home,” they must feel sure we are trying to understand their experience in the world as a persons of color. Open conversations about difficult subjects like racism, sexism, current events, and family dynamics are great ways to lay the foundation for ongoing attachment and relationship.
To build our children’s trust in us, we must also keep working to understand our own white privilege, stereotypes, and racism. We must explore our country’s history from the perspective of our child’s cultural community and commit to fighting racism even when we pay a personal price. We need to be there with our children when they are mistreated, denied access, or struggling to comprehend the cruel injustice of racism.
Love is just the beginning of the transracial adoption journey. There is no end. My husband, our children, and I continue to learn and grow together. We are a family.
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Tips on adopting an older child
There are some great tips on the Family Helper Website
http://www.familyhelper.net/arc/old.html
Tips on adopting an older child
1. When meeting your new daughter or son for the first time, remember that your joy at being parents may be at odds with the anger/fear your child is feeling. You are a stranger to her, and she may not experience the "love at first sight" you are feeling. Respect the her comfort level and give her whatever distance is required.
2. It is nice to bring a special memento to give the child to mark the occasion, for example, a locket or book. Put together a small album of pictures of you and your home. The child can look at the pictures between visits, which can help ease the transition.
3. Find out what the child has and what she needs. The foster parents are a wealth of information. Write a list of what needs to be done (i.e. paint room, buy toys and clothes). Older children need to feel that there is a space ready for them when they move in ... you'll need help to get it all done.
4. There may be a "honeymoon" period when all of you "play" at being a happy family. Issues will emerge later, but this is a positive move towards acceptance.
5. When your child moves in, be aware of her limits in terms of meeting a lot of family and friends at one time.
6. Understand the stages of grief that Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross identified as the emotional responses to death. These stages are also appropriate for other grieving processes: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. Most people do not go through them in a linear fashion, but jump back and forth between stages.
7. By acknowledging and helping your child through the different stages, acceptance will eventually be reached. She is grieving a significant loss and will likely have feelings of rejection which will continue to surface. An older child may have had painful and numerous goodbyes. It will take a long time before she trusts again. It can be difficult to hear a child grieving for birth or foster parents. Children need to know you are accessible and willing to listen. Sharing and accepting your child's past can be an important part of the bonding process.
-- Sheila and Pierre, adoptive parents (www.adoption.on.ca/tipsolder.html)
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
Fun Food
Fun Food
Holly’s Hard Boiled Egg Men
Ingredients:
A few raisins, one celery, one carrot, one red pepper, two toothpicks, and two hard boiled eggs.
Boil a couple of eggs peel and set aside.
You will need four raisins, 8 celery sticks cut very small and thin, two small carrot pieces and two very small red pepper pieces.
Now you and your child assemble your hard boiled egg man. Use raisins for eyes securing them with an end of a toothpick, cut little celery pieces for arms and legs and stick into the egg, next take a little carrot stick for a nose and place in egg and lastly use a small piece of toothpick to put small sliver of red pepper for lips.
Use different veggies and fruit for a different egg man each time! Be sure and eat the egg man with your child so they don’t eat the toothpicks.
Mealtime can be healthy and fun!
Fun Idea for Kids (for younger kids you can make it for them)
Homemade Playdough
1 cup of salt
• 1 cup of flour
• 1 cup of water
• Cookie cutters
• Rolling pin or narrow bottle
• Food coloring (optional)
Be creative do different colours!
Directions
Put salt and flour in a deep unbreakable bowl. Drape your child in an old shirt or smock and allow him or her to mix the dry ingredients thoroughly with hands or a wooden spoon. Slowly add water to which some drops of food coloring have been added. Continue to mix, then knead dough until it is smooth and elastic without being sticky. Dump the dough onto a flat floured surface and roll it out with the rolling pin or bottle. Use cookie cutters to make shapes or provide child with other cutting and poking utensils such as plastic knives, bottle tops and lids, chopsticks, and assorted plastic shapes.
Read More http://www.ivillage.com/how-make-homemade-playdough/6-a-145101#ixzz10TQKpfhQ
Movie pic of the week
Movie pic of the week is Anne of Green Gables.
Many of you may have seen this movie but I encourage you to rent the one with Megan Follows.
There are wonderful pieces to the movie that look at transitioning and attachment and what a child goes through when adjusting to their new family.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
GoodLife Fitness Victoria Marathon 10/10/10
Our CHOICES Champion, eight year old Oscar is running the 8k for CHOICES this year in the Victoria Marathon.
Oscar is busy collecting pledges to help reach CHOICES goal of raising $16 000 dollars to help find families for children in foster care.
We still need runners and pledge collectors. Call or email if you would like to participate! 1 888 479 9811
View our 2009 champion Oscar http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gWZ3HnFrKY4 To sponsor Oscar on his 2010 race you can go to CHOICES website www.choicesadoption.ca or call CHOICES at 1 888 479 9811
Call in anytime if you need resources, would like to connect with other adoptive parents or waiting parents.
Have a great week.
Holly
Happy Fall!
September is well under way and there are lots of exciting things happening at CHOICES.
CHOICES Charity Art Auction
The Charity Art Auction will be featuring a live Folk Trio on November 13, 2010 6:30pm at the Union Club 805 Gordon Street, Victoria
This week’s movie pic is Hotel for Dogs. It is kid friendly and here is the trailer if you would like a sneak peak.
CHOICES Charity Art Auction
The Charity Art Auction will be featuring a live Folk Trio on November 13, 2010 6:30pm at the Union Club Tickets will be available this Friday the 17th of September at CHOICES office.
Call 1 888 479 9811 for details.
Affording your Adoption
The article posted is an American resource but I believe is still useful as many of the ideas can be transferred here.
For Canadian information view Robin Hilborn’s website: http://www.familyhelper.net/fh/fhmoney.html  | | Adoption and Money The Financial Guide to Bringing Home Your Child By Robin Hilborn First edition, 2005$12 / ISBN 0-9733470-5-8 |
CONTENTS
| OUTGO Cost of domestic adoption Cost of raising a child to age 18 Cost of intercountry adoption Costs by country Ease money stress with an adoption budget Seven money questions In the news SAVING Save money on travel expenses Airline adoption fares Discount air fares Consolidators How to buy cheap air tickets | | | INCOME Ways to finance your adoption Savings Loans Grants Fundraising to pay for your adoption Money-making ideas galore Get donations When fundraising becomes a business Fundraising 101: start with hot chocolate By Paulene Hinds Find a subsidy for adopting special needs children NACAC's subsidy profiles BENEFITS Federal government benefits Child Tax Benefit Parental Leave Adoption Tax Credit Employer benefits Family-friendly companies Lobby your employer for benefits What adoption benefits do |
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Tools and Connections
The Key to Adoption’s Changing World
By Adam Pertman
For far too long, we adoptive parents lived in a world of make believe. To be fair, it wasn’t a world of our own creation; that monumental task was accomplished by a culture that decided there was only one right road to family formation–and it wasn’t the one we traveled to form our families. But we all lived in that world and we generally played by its rules: Don’t talk about infertility or birthparents or any other ‘personal’
subject and, most of all, just proceed with your lives as though you’d become moms and dads the old-fashioned way.
Lots of wonderful families were formed during the decades in which we played out that fantasy, and many people–parents and their kids–felt (and were) blessed. We paid a high price for the benefits we received, however, and we pay it to this day. Some of us lied to our own sons and daughters about their pasts, and they are mightily ticked off as a result. We relegated untold thousands of birthmothers to the role of baby-making machines, and they are deeply wounded as a result. We barely whispered about the way we formed our families, and too many of us remain insecure about them as a result; and, because it’s very hard to shape thoughtful attitudes or practices about secrets, all sorts of laws and policies in our society are antiquated, misinformed, and even detrimental as a result.
Fortunately for everyone concerned, our world is being transformed. In most ways, it is becoming more honest about and more respectful of everyone involved in the adoption
process, and it is recognizing that many different paths can lead to the formation of a whole, loving, normal family. I’m also confident that the changes occurring all around us are becoming so entrenched that, as is so often the case with social progress, legislators and policy-makers will ultimately catch up with the altered reality on the ground.
Adoption Parenting: Creating a Toolbox, Building Connections probably would have languished on a dusty shelf in the old world; it simply tells too many stark truths. It is
premised on the understanding that adoption isn’t the revelatory ‘win-win’ solution we used to pretend it was. But that doesn't mean this book portrays adoption as a downer or inferior or inherently problematic or anything of the sort. Quite the opposite; we can truly honor an institution that provides homes for kids who need them, gives adults the
opportunity to revel in the joys of parenthood, and does those things in an honest, respectful way. Recognizing that there are unique challenges in ‘nontraditional’ families–whether led by single parents, step-parents, divorced parents, grandparents,
gay parents, adoptive parents, or any other sort of parents– doesn't diminish those families. It just recognizes the differences within them, and that’s a very good thing because parents generally do a better job when they understand their children’s (and their own) realities and needs. And those realities and needs are especially important to address when the family has so many layers of complexity because it is multinational, multicultural, and/or multiracial and was formed through adoption.
In our new, improving world, Adoption Parenting deserves to be front and center. It deserves to be in the hands of parents, would-be parents, adoption practitioners and others (let’s start with teachers, doctors, and mental-health professionals, shall we?) who profoundly affect our families. Its thoughtful, accessible approach is not about wallowing in problems and challenges, but about sharing knowledge, making connections, overcoming obstacles, and doing a better job for the sake of our kids. In our new, improving world, Adoption Parenting is indeed a useful toolbox, but it is far more. It is a celebration of how far we have come, and it is a roadmap toward an increasingly successful future.
Adam Pertman is the Executive Director of the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute, the pre-eminent research, policy and education organization in its field. He also
is the adoptive father of two (Zack and Emmy) and the author of Adoption Nation: How the Adoption Revolution is Transforming America
“Oprah,” the “Today” show and “Nightline’.
Waiting for Your Adopted Child
The wait is the hardest of all for you, the future adopter. Sure, other people can aggravate you with interminable questions, but you have an awful lot of questions, hopes, and fears yourself. So how do you manage to get through these days, weeks, or even months of waiting?
Adoption obsession is very common for the person who has been approved and is waiting for a referral. It can be very debilitating and enervating.
You can do some things to distract yourself during this waiting period:
Adopterms
Adoption Alert
Keep in mind that sometimes adoptive parent groups deteriorate into a kind of “gripe session” where members mostly come to complain about the woes of adoption or how tough it is to deal with their children's problems. Avoid those groups. (Fortunately, they are rare.)
Adoption Alert
If you find yourself obsessing over adoption for more than a few months, ask yourself what the problem is. Is it fear that you won't succeed? Fear that you will have trouble parenting? Or something else? Make sure you want to adopt before you proceed.
Here are some things you should not do while you wait for an approval or to hear about your child:
Losing Your Nerve
People never get cold feet and decide that they really do not want to adopt, do they? Sure they do! As you get closer to the goal of adoption, you or your spouse may get panicky and fearful. Can you really be good parents? Can you deal with all the changes that will come with parenthood—or with parenting yet another child?
I like to compare the fear of adopting your first child to the fear many of us felt when we decided to get married. Getting the premarital jitters doesn't mean that you don't love your future spouse. What it means is that you're planning a major life change—and that can be frightening.
You don't need nerves of steel to adopt, but it's important to understand that there will be ups and downs in the process. If you know this is normal, it will make the experience much easier. Here are some ways to cope with the emotional highs and lows:
Before you applied to adopt a child, you probably thought finding the agency or attorney was the hard part. Then you thought going through the home study was the really hard part. Then the toughest part was the waiting period after you filled out all the forms, had your home visit and answered all the social worker's questions, and waited for your home study to get approved. For many people, the last part of the waiting process is the hardest, once you are approved to adopt and you're waiting to adopt your child. You're in the final stretch before you succeed. Adoptive parents agree that although all this waiting for your child is hard, it's well worth it.
Adoption obsession is very common for the person who has been approved and is waiting for a referral. It can be very debilitating and enervating.
You can do some things to distract yourself during this waiting period:
- Maintain a positive mental attitude, which is probably the most important advice I can offer. Sure, we all have doubts and fears. Try not to agonize over every problem that might happen.
Adopterms
Adoption obsession refers to constantly thinking about adopting a child. It usually occurs in first-time adoptive parents, although people adopting a second or third child might also experience it. A little obsession is beneficial, because it leads you to pursue different opportunities and to learn as much as possible. Just don't let it overtake your life!
- Keep a journal of your thoughts and how you feel about the adventure that lies ahead. You certainly don't have to be a professional writer to express your feelings and frustrations, your ups and downs. Many people find that the very act of writing down their thoughts frees them from considerable anxiety. It might also jog your unconscious into producing solutions to particular problems.
- Read books about parenting and adoption (but don't go overboard). You might also want to review children's books about adoption as well. Keep in mind that most authors have biases, whether they realize it or not. Some see adoption as an idyllic experience; others think adoption is a problematic institution that should be radically changed. The reality is probably somewhere in the middle.
- Meet and talk to parents, adoptive and nonadoptive. An effective adoptive parent group can be really helpful, because it allows you to see people with children they've adopted. You can learn the tactics they used to succeed, and the do's and don'ts of adoption.
- Take an exercise class or renew an old hobby. Staying involved with our interests makes us happy, and children derive benefit from happy parents. Hopefully you will maintain your hobbies and interests even after your child comes home. After all, don't you want to help your child develop her own interests? She may even share some of yours!
Adoption Alert
Keep in mind that sometimes adoptive parent groups deteriorate into a kind of “gripe session” where members mostly come to complain about the woes of adoption or how tough it is to deal with their children's problems. Avoid those groups. (Fortunately, they are rare.)Adoption Alert
If you find yourself obsessing over adoption for more than a few months, ask yourself what the problem is. Is it fear that you won't succeed? Fear that you will have trouble parenting? Or something else? Make sure you want to adopt before you proceed.Here are some things you should not do while you wait for an approval or to hear about your child:
- Worry about negative stories others tell you about adoption. Everyone will know a horror story, just as everyone seems to have a medical horror story they want to share with you when you are facing surgery.
- Make any other major life changes unless you have to. Adopting a child is big enough!
- Quit your job (if that's an option for you) unless you know for sure a child is coming or unless you're looking for a good reason to quit anyway. Believe it or not, some people quit their jobs after they're approved for adoption so they can devote their time to getting ready. That may be okay if you will be adopting within a month or two. What if the wait lasts as long as a year? You can find yourself with a lot of extra time on your hands.
Losing Your Nerve
People never get cold feet and decide that they really do not want to adopt, do they? Sure they do! As you get closer to the goal of adoption, you or your spouse may get panicky and fearful. Can you really be good parents? Can you deal with all the changes that will come with parenthood—or with parenting yet another child?I like to compare the fear of adopting your first child to the fear many of us felt when we decided to get married. Getting the premarital jitters doesn't mean that you don't love your future spouse. What it means is that you're planning a major life change—and that can be frightening.
You don't need nerves of steel to adopt, but it's important to understand that there will be ups and downs in the process. If you know this is normal, it will make the experience much easier. Here are some ways to cope with the emotional highs and lows:
- Meet other people who have recently adopted. They can understand.
- Give yourself a set time to worry about problems that arise. When that time is over, order yourself to think about other things.
- Consider renewing a hobby you enjoyed in the past but have neglected.
- If you are spiritual or religious, try meditation or prayer.
- Remind yourself that there is a child at the end of this maze, and it's all worth it.
Before you applied to adopt a child, you probably thought finding the agency or attorney was the hard part. Then you thought going through the home study was the really hard part. Then the toughest part was the waiting period after you filled out all the forms, had your home visit and answered all the social worker's questions, and waited for your home study to get approved. For many people, the last part of the waiting process is the hardest, once you are approved to adopt and you're waiting to adopt your child. You're in the final stretch before you succeed. Adoptive parents agree that although all this waiting for your child is hard, it's well worth it.
Monday, August 9, 2010
This week’s movie pic
Hello Everyone,
This week’s movie pic is August Rush.
I hope you are all having a good summer! I will posting a serious of articles on topics requested by some of our families.If you would like more information on a topic be sure and let me know.
Kind regards,
Holly
Friday, August 6, 2010
Should I Change My Child's Name?
Whether to rename my adopted child, that is the question ...
| Should I Change My Child's Name? Leceta Chisholm Guibault The book Inside Transracial Adoption by Gail Steinberg and Beth Hall covers naming and re-naming adopted children on pages 192-94 and 210-212. The authors state that because children as young as 4-1/2 months recognize their names (research from the State University of New York at They say, "Asking a child whose world is changing to also change her name may be experienced as being asked to be someone other than herself." The authors write that most adoptive parents change their child's name for reasons that made absolute sense to them (name hard to pronounce, didn't like the name, broke family traditions, didn't fit their cultural norms ... or "just because"). They ask adoptive parents to think of the naming issue from the child's point of view. My thoughts: All of my strongest views on adoption and its issues have come with time and experience. Almost 11 years ago when I was waiting for my first child, all I could think of was "what will we name her/him?". At that time we didn't have the Internet, a support group, a variety of adoption-related books or an informed social worker. We did choose a first and middle name for our daughter. Then ... I learned of her birth name. Back then we decided to give our daughter the name we had chosen and keep her birth name as middle names. Am I ever glad we did! Trust me ... there would be hell to pay from this truly insightful 11-year-old. At age 5 Kahleah told me she was so happy to have the names that both of her mothers gave her. Our babies do grow up and may have some interesting opinions on this topic. When I listen to adult adoptees speak, there is generally a grief over the loss of a birth name and a part of their overall identity. That's it! I think it comes down to a question of "identity"! In hindsight ... or if we were to adopt again, would I change my child's name? I don't think so. Did Kahleah and Tristan become more "my own" because I named them? No. Maybe it felt like it in the beginning because of my inner fight with "entitlement"? Naming or re-naming our children is very personal. What I hope to convey is that although my ideas and feelings may have been one thing way back when ... they have evolved. What once felt like my "right" as a parent to name my child whatever I wanted to (and YES ... I felt strongly that it was my right!) when they were first referred to me has ... .mellowed. Now ... I am learning, listening and thinking "what is really the best for my child" (and ... it just may be to change the name!). As our kids mature a true sense of identity is very important. It's not an easy job for adoptive parents to give their child a true sense of identity ... ALL of their identity, not just their identity by adoption. Maybe their name is the starting point? I have heard lots of stories from adoptive parent friends about their child going through a phase of wanted to be called by their birth name (if it had been changed). Quite normal! Kahleah does the same thing from time to time. I think the point is, if we do change their name we should try to incorporate their birth name (or part of it) so that they feel the empowerment to choose if the feeling hits. I am trying to imagine what it would be like to know you were born in a far-off land, born to another family, a different language, culture ... and then BOOM ... it all changed. Even if my children were adopted as infants, Kahleah can now intellectually discuss feeling like two different people. Our kids are growing up and their personalities are developing. It's funny how something as "simple" as a name can become so important. I have a friend who adopted from Out of curiosity, I asked Kahleah her views on the topic. She has always told me that she was happy to have both her birth name and our given name. Tonight I asked her how she would feel if we had not kept her birth name. She said, "My name is a part of me. To take it away is to take a part of ME away. It's like ... I would not be totally 'me'." I asked her how she would feel to learn that her birthmother did not name her. I suggested that some children are named by a lawyer, foster parent or orphanage director. Kahleah said, "It would not matter ... it would still be my first name ... a part of who I am." I have Kahleah's permission to share her thoughts. She took her time answering knowing I was going to share her thoughts with other adoptive parents. To tell the truth ... I was a little surprised by her reaction to the second question. I thought she might hesitate at the thought of someone not as close as her birthmother naming her. What's in a name? ... identity ... who am I? "Leceta" ... given to me by my mother, unique, hard to spell, hard to pronounce, not exactly a "Canadian" name ... but I wouldn't change it for the world. It is who I am. REFERENCE Steinberg, Gail and Beth Hall. Inside Transracial Adoption: Strength-based, Culture-sensitizing Parenting Strategies for Intercountry or Domestic Families That Don't Match. |
Thursday, July 8, 2010
Welcome to CHOICES Blog
Happy summer to all our families. It was so wonderful to see many of you out at our family fun days!! A great big thank you to Thrifty Foods for supporting our events on the island and the lower mainland!! Also a special thank you to Catrina Ormiston from Thrifty Foods whose dedication to CHOICES families is so appreciated!! The kids love Catrina (and so does CHOICES) and look forward to seeing her every year!
The new Blog will include articles and information about adoption. I will be posting a good movie or book suggestion each week.
Movie pick of the week is Martian Child with John Cusack
If you are a waiting parent and would like to meet other adoptive families let me know at the office as I am happy to get you connected. 1 888 479 9811
Starting September look for our monthly newsletter from, Rachel Warren, our Executive Director
The new Blog will include articles and information about adoption. I will be posting a good movie or book suggestion each week.
Movie pick of the week is Martian Child with John Cusack
If you are a waiting parent and would like to meet other adoptive families let me know at the office as I am happy to get you connected. 1 888 479 9811
Starting September look for our monthly newsletter from, Rachel Warren, our Executive Director
Fall Events
Good Life Fitness (Formerly the Royal Victoria Marathon) 10/10/10
Come cheer us on at this year’s marathon. You can also run, walk or sponsor Oscar, our CHOICES Champion eight year old runner this year.
View our website for more details www.choicesadoption.ca or call the office at 1 888 479 9811
CHOICES Charity Art Auction and Dance
CHOICES Charity Art Auction and Dance November 13, 2010 6:30pm at the Union Club
805 Gordon Street, Victoria BC
More details about tickets for the art auction and art donations are coming soon.
If you are interested in finding out about more specific adoption topics please let me know. You can comment on the blog or you can email me.
Warm Regards,
Holly Allen
holly@choicesadoption.ca
Come cheer us on at this year’s marathon. You can also run, walk or sponsor Oscar, our CHOICES Champion eight year old runner this year.
View our website for more details www.choicesadoption.ca or call the office at 1 888 479 9811
CHOICES Charity Art Auction and Dance
CHOICES Charity Art Auction and Dance November 13, 2010 6:30pm at the Union Club
805 Gordon Street, Victoria BC
More details about tickets for the art auction and art donations are coming soon.
If you are interested in finding out about more specific adoption topics please let me know. You can comment on the blog or you can email me.
Warm Regards,
Holly Allen
holly@choicesadoption.ca
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
The Best Way To Manage Waiting For Your Adopted Child
By Holly Allen
The title of this article is comical as there is no best way to manage the wait for your adopted child. One thing is for sure there are lots of things you can do to help prepare your child and yourself for your adoption journey. Adoption is the most important thing that will ever happen in your life. It is the moment a child becomes part of your family, morally, legally and unconditionally forever. An adopted child will have experienced some kind of trauma and you need to be ready when they arrive. Newborns and older children will have trauma simply by the fact that they are not living with their birth family; and some children may have experienced poverty, abuse or neglect. Children who are adopted locally and internationally have come to their new family with a story. Their story.
We can help our children to transition into their adoptive family by doing a few key things:
The title of this article is comical as there is no best way to manage the wait for your adopted child. One thing is for sure there are lots of things you can do to help prepare your child and yourself for your adoption journey. Adoption is the most important thing that will ever happen in your life. It is the moment a child becomes part of your family, morally, legally and unconditionally forever. An adopted child will have experienced some kind of trauma and you need to be ready when they arrive. Newborns and older children will have trauma simply by the fact that they are not living with their birth family; and some children may have experienced poverty, abuse or neglect. Children who are adopted locally and internationally have come to their new family with a story. Their story.
We can help our children to transition into their adoptive family by doing a few key things:
- The most important part of adoption transition is giving your child time to grieve. We are often so excited to see our child (as most of us have been waiting for a long time) that we forget that our child is traumatized. Children need to be able to cry and we need to give them the space to do that.
- We expect our children not to be afraid and not to worry but they do. They are missing their loved ones and all the things that were familiar to them. Take lots of pictures of birth family, orphanage caregivers, foster family, extended family or anything that will give your child comfort. It is always recommended that you bring a piece of clothing, blanket or sheet home with your child from their birth family, orphanage, foster family or hospital.
- We can respect and honour our child’s birth family whether we have information about them or not. If your child’s family has passed away you can connect your child to their birth family through food, customs and language. Sometimes you may know the village, the orphanage, or the foster family where your child lived enabling you to gather information about times in your child’s life. You may adopt a child locally and find out their birth family was Scottish and loved to travel. This is sacred information and part of your child’s history. Any information about your child will assist you in the transition of bringing your adopted child home. Find out their routine and their favourite things to help them adapt to their new environment. Learn how to bond and play with your child so that they can become attached to you and begin to heal and grow.
Monday, March 22, 2010
Top 10 Reasons To Keep Your Adopted Child Connected To Their Culture
By Holly Allen
- It is important that your child joins your family with a good sense of self.
- Honouring your adopted child’s culture will help your child grow into a happy adult.
- Research has shown that children are more successful integrating into an adoptive family if their adoptive family is open and honest about their child’s birth family; each birth family is unique and has their own cultural norms and beliefs.
- In school children are taught genealogy; it is important that they know their birth family and their adoptive family’s history.
- Celebrating your child’s culture with them is sending the message to your child that it is alright to embrace all their family.
- Sometimes children will not know who their birth family is and it is our job as adoptive parents to connect our children to their culture through food, customs and language.
- Children need to believe in themselves and it helps if they know that you accept their whole self, the birth child and the adopted child.
- Culture is a part of every family locally or internationally and helps shape who we are as people.
- You can always add more love and more culture to a child but it is so important to make a space for the history and traditions your child was born with so that they can tell their own story.
- Culture in adoption is a triangle of love that connects the adoptive family, the birth family and the child.